Cats Review

The worst movie I have ever seen in my life ever.

This Movie is So Bad, It Does Not Deserve A Proper Review Title

 

Cats is literally the worst movie ever made period. If you read nothing else but this first paragraph please, for the love of everything that is holy…DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE. My goodness this film is a mess and such a misstep and mistranslated that I can’t believe anyone in their right mind thought this was going to be a good idea. Within the first few moments of the film I was left utterly baffled and shriveled in my seat and that feeling did not let up until 3 hours AFTER I had actually seen the movie. Cats is not just the worst movie of 2019 or the past decade, it is quite literally the worst movie I have ever seen. 

This is the paragraph where I begin to describe the basic premise of the movie, but there really is no story, characters, emotions, or thought given to this monstrosity. There is a white cat allegedly named Victoria who is thrown into a random alley and then is sung to by hideous looking humanistic cat creatures. The goal, I think, was for these cats to participate in a show and attain the afterlife but honestly I don’t even understand what the heck happened. Oh, and Idris Elba plays a naughty cat who is selfish. 

The movie is one huge musical number where these “characters” (if you can even call them that) are introducing themselves and presenting how they feel on such a surface level. Granted this movie is based on the famous Broadway musical, but this is just an egregious example of how some things just don’t translate well to film at all. There are all these songs and dances where cats are seductively dancing towards one another (yes you read that right), and trying to pull together a coherent film. Nothing makes sense and it is a complete waste of time. 

What further trashes this movie is the terrible CGI effects that are done to bring these cat characters to life. It looks awful and something from the thing of nightmares. This is a movie that you would take your kids if you want them to be traumatized for the rest of their life as it feels like a horror movie with how these cats look and how they portray themselves on screen. The most baffling thing of all is that some cats wear clothes and some don’t, giving the impression that they are naked in the streets when their clothes are stripped off during a dance number. This movie is rated PG everyone. 

The music can be a little catchy at times, but it is all carried over from the musical so there is nothing original here. All of the songs are sung by different actors and voices so if you are a fan of the musical you may not like all of the creative choices taken here in this film. Worst of all, if anyone can tell what the actual heck a “Jellicle” is, that would be greatly appreciated because the terms is referenced about 870,394 times during the entire runtime and it is never clear what it means. This is just so sloppy and feels weirdly under translated to a movie. 

The cats in this movie are not following any particular story but instead are expressing vague feelings and dancing in a sexual manner through various songs. You never understand why certain characters feel the way that they do, or what they are intending to do because it’s all one big musical with barely a hint of dialogue or room to breathe. James Corden sings about how fat he is, Rebel Wilson sings about how hungry she is, and Taylor Swift sings about how sexy she is. This is not an entertaining movie at all and just leaves you feeling uncomfortable. 

That’s the worst offense of this movie, it is uncomfortable. The dance numbers are highly sexualized, the characters and emotionless, the CGI is atrocious, and it is scary to think that something like this could have been made. It’s funny for all the wrong reasons, there is no context given to events happening on screen, and it leaves you feeling dumb and wasteful by the film’s conclusion. Also I need everyone to know that near the end of the movie, Judi Dench’s character turns to the audience and says “Cats are not dogs”….okay….

Honestly, there’s nothing positive I can say about this movie. This is an absolute atrocity that feels so poorly made and written that I feel bad that I wasted money to go see it. If you do like the play, then great you may find enjoyment in this, but again some things are better left to the current medium they are in. Don’t go see this movie. Please. For the love of God. DON’T GO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!!

0.0/10 ATROCIOUS

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